Humans, we’ve had our time. It’s time to surrender to the purple frog.
The Earth has been around for 4.6 billion years and a lot of stuff has changed since its awkward early phase.
I mean, look how much it’s grown up in the last 600 million. Cute.
Modern humans as we know them today have only been around for 200,000 years.
So if the Earth was 24 hours old, we would have been around for about four seconds.
We are total newbies in the playground of Earth.
Other species are all…
Look at us, marching in and fucking up their shit. They’ve been at it for millions of years longer than us.
These species think they’ve waited long enough to be the dominant species round here:
1. Elephant sharks may look friendly, but don’t let that fool you. They’re just playing the long game.
Their genome has changed little in 420 million years. They were chilling in the ocean before the dinosaurs were even born, like, over 100 million years before anyone had even heard of a dinosaur.
They’re not even sharks, we just use the term shark because it’s badass (and they are pretty much what ancestors of sharks were like).
They are actually some odd stingray-shark hybrid. Look, it swims like a bird. Anyway, these guys have lived through four mass extinctions, so they’re probably coming for you.
2. Nautiluses haven’t bothered to evolve much for 500 million years. They’ve had their minds on other things, like fucking you up.
They swim by jet propulsion and can only swim backwards, so they bump into stuff all the time. And they don’t even care.
Look at it, not even caring a little bit about that bump.
It’s because it’s too busy plotting our demise.
3. This eel has been around about 200 million years, but we only managed to actually find it in 2011.
It was hiding in an underwater cave in Palau. And we all know what happens in caves — evil villains plot to take over the world. Which is obviously what this guy has been doing for 200 million years.
4. The horseshoe crab has been around for 450 million years and now it is declaring war*.
*Well, it could well declare war soon, but probably not. Thing is, after 450 million years of it doing just fine, we are now destroying its habitat and harvesting its miracle bacteria-fighting blood for our own gain.
And I bet it’s not happy about it.
5. OK, so coelacanths have probably only been around in their modern form for 80 million years; horseshoe crabs give them a hard time for it, but they’re sneaky little fishies.
Us humans thought they were long extinct, probably wiped out in that mass extinction that finished off the dinosaurs. But no, they were just hiding. And then one stupid coelacanth died, washed up dead in 1938, and blew their cover. If it weren’t for that they would have already have taken over the earth.
6. The purple frog has been thinking about a frog-based revolution for at least 130 million years.
These frogs don’t believe necks are a necessary part of being the world’s dominant species, and they’re going to prove their point.
They are another sneaky one, only being discovered in 2003. It’s all part of their plan.
7. The platypuses have been doing their own thing for 167 million years, and now they want some of what we have.
They’ve played a different game to our other survivor animals, relying on being “cute” and gaining our trust. But don’t let these prehistoric weirdos fool you.
As one of only two egg-laying species of mammal left, they mean to preserve their kind, and will stop at nothing…NOTHING.
8. Stromatolites may just look like rocks, but that’s what they want you to think!
OK, so they are just rocks, but they are formed by microorganisms, including Cyanobacteria, which are thought to be some of the first forms of life on earth. They aren’t animals, but they deserve to be mentioned because they’ve probably been kicking about for 3.5 billion years. They look down on us like the little children that we are. They’re not in a rush, though – they’ll wait another billion years until they take what is rightfully theirs.
To sum up, we’re the cocky new kid on the block who hasn’t even survived one mass extinction, and these guys know what’s what around here.
One day these species will rise. Maybe after the next mass extinction it will finally be the time for the purple frog.